


The Problem

by haztobegood



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 1DonGMA, Body Dysphoria, Crack, Curses, M/M, Sort Of, Vanishing Dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:54:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26182240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haztobegood/pseuds/haztobegood
Summary: Harry's eyes fly open and he tosses the covers off, sitting up in bed. Looking at his crotch only confirms what he’d already known. His dick is missing!
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 18
Kudos: 27





	The Problem

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by homosociallyyours' [tumblr post](https://haztobegood.tumblr.com/post/624760474469335040) about that pic of OT5 holding the #1DonGMA sign. 
> 
> I've been struggling with writer's block and haven't felt up to working on any of my longer wips. I started writing this last month and don't really know where the story is going, but it's been fun to write something short and silly. I might continue adding bits to this but not making any promises.

Harry wakes up slowly, still drowsy after a long night of sleep in an empty bed. It’s a rarity to have a lie-in. He’s usually sleeping on an uncomfortable bunk in the tour bus or rushing off to an early-morning radio interview, so he’s not ready to get out of bed yet. 

He rolls onto his back and stretches out, sinking deeper into the plush mattress. The sheets drag over his sleep-warm skin, brushing teasingly over his crotch. There’s tension building low in his groin, a desire to give in to his need. he hadn’t felt much like getting off without Louis around the past few days. But he can’t help but get worked up to thoughts of his boyfriend. He gives in quickly, ready to enjoy a long solo wank in a room when he knows no one is about to burst through the door and pull him into a busy day of activities. 

He reaches a hand down to pull himself off, only to find that he’s not hard, rather the opposite. His hand skims over flat skin, a void where he should be hanging heavy against his thigh. His dick is gone! 

His eyes fly open and he tosses the covers off, sitting up in bed. Looking at his crotch only confirms what he’d already known. His dick is missing. 

He’s fortunate that he isn’t the first to go through this. But he still wishes Louis so they could commiserate the loss together. He climbs out of bed and walks over to the master bath, standing in front of the full length mirror. He’s shaped much like one of those Ken dolls his sister and he used to play with, the skin smooth, hairless, and mounded slightly, as if it was shaped to suggest at what was missing. 

Harry sighs dejectedly at the unfamiliar contour of his crotch. He’s no longer horny, the sensation completely erased with the shock of discovering his missing bits. But he does need to wee, his bladder full and uncomfortable after sleep. Luckily, the other boys had already figured out how to handle that. As Harry sits on the toilet to wee, he thinks back to last month, when Niall had been the first to discover The Problem.

✨ 🍆 ✨

The five boys had been sleeping peacefully after a long weekend of back-to-back shows. They were luckily in the penthouse suite of the hotel instead of the tour buses at this stop on tour. The penthouse was huge, with three bedrooms, a living room, and a bathroom to share. 

Niall's scream of horror coming from their bathroom had startled them all awake. Harry threw back the blankets, pulled on the boxers laying on the floor, and rushed to investigate. 

“What’s going on?” Louis grumbled from bed, glaring at the doorway. 

“Niall? You okay?” Harry said, walking into the shared lounge space.

Niall ripped open the bathroom door with bang as it hit the wall and stumbled through the doorway, pants around his ankles. “My fuckin’ dick’s gone!”

“Huh?” Harry asked. Harry froze seeing Niall stood with his pants around his ankles just in front of the bathroom door. 

Liam and Zayn in boxers stumbled out of the bedroom at the commotion as well and stopped to stare. They all stood speechless, taking in the dickless state of Niall’s crotch.

“What the fuck?” Zayn was the first to speak.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asked from the bedroom. Before anyone could respond, he screamed, “Where’s my dick?” 

Harry whipped his head around, dashing back into the room to find Louis staring in horror at his own flat crotch. 

Liam and Zayn pulled their boxers down. “Mine’s gone, too.” “Same.” 

Nervously, Harry reached for the band of his boxers. He held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut, not ready to see his own fate as he pulled his pants down.

“Oh thank god.” Louis sighed with relief. “Hazza’s still got his.” Harry opened his eyes and stared at his dick hanging soft between his legs. 

Niall threw up his arms and groaned, “What the fuck is happening?”

✨ 🍆 ✨

That had been a month ago. While Harry had initially been spared, he isn’t as lucky now.

After finishing up in the bathroom, Harry is quick to pull on a pair of pants and some loose joggers. Out of sight, out of mind. Or so the saying goes. 

But The Problem is not that easy to push from his mind. Questions about The Problem swirl unanswered. Even after weeks of research, they were no closer to figuring out what caused it or how to reverse it. 

Harry’s phone buzzes on the bedside table. There’s a new notification from the group chat.

 **Louis:** 🍆🍆🍆  
**Louis:** My dick is back !!! 

Relief floods through Harry, feeding off Louis’ excitement. And, to be honest, he has missed Louis’ dick probably as much as Louis has. But as fast as that relief hits him, it is overcome with nervousness. Like a bucket of cold water, Harry realises he needs to tell Louis that while he might have his dick again, Harry is now sans dick. 

As he contemplates how to type that news into the chat, more messages come through

 **Niall:** Fucker 

**Liam:** What? How?

 **Niall:** Mine’s still gone

 **Zayn:** Are you sure it is?

 **Louis:** You need proof?

 **Liam:** NO DICK PICS IN THE CHAT!!!!!

 **Louis:** Come on Payno, not even a celebratory return-of-the-dick pic?

 **Liam:** NO!  
**Liam:** Remember what happened last time. No dick pics!

Harry laughs, recalling the incident that spawned their No Dick Pic agreement. His phone buzzes in his hand again, this time with a text from Louis. He clicks the notification banner and sucks in a breath. Louis’ hand is wrapped around his hard cock. Harry stares, it’s been over a month since he’d last seen it, after all. Then his phone starts ringing. 

“Hey Lou,” Harry answers. He puts the phone on speaker and plops down onto the bed and switches back to admire the dick pic while he talks to Louis.

“Babe, my dick’s back! Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah. Um,” Harry nervously bites at his thumb. He isn’t sure how to break his own news to Louis.

“H, what’s wrong? Thought you’d be happy. You know, I could fuck you when I get home tomorrow.” Harry can practically hear Louis’ suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

“I’m happy for you, Lou. It’s just that well... mydickdisappearedlastnight,” he rushes out in one breath.

“What was that?”

“My dick disappeared!” Harry whines into the phone.

“What? When?”

“Woke up without it this morning.”

“No!” Louis cries out dramatically.

“Why is this happening?” Harry is even more upset now that Louis is upset too. He hadn’t let himself think too much about The Problem before they talked, but now it seems more real. 

“It’ll be alright babe,” Louis consoles. “We’ll figure it out.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! [Here](https://haztobegood.tumblr.com/post/627826403990175744/the-problem-by-haztobegood-a-crackfic-inspired-by) is a tumblr post for the fic.


End file.
